I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
