the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
