The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
