I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
