New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
