the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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