Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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