I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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