I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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