Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
