No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
