Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
