If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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