I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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