Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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