So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
