why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I FOUND THE LEGS
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
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