i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
