I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
