Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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