sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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