He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
