My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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