I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
