y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
