I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
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