yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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