Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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