College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
