he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
