I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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