I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
