smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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