Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
