I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
