im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
