just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
