My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
