that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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