if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
