yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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