So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
