alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
