is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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