Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
