he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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