drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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