He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
