Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
