I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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